Every year I use spring as an opportunity for self-growth. Partly because my birthday is in March, and partly because spring just seems like a good time to revamp both my inner and outer worlds. Usually, as spring nears and I begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel (I live in the Midwest after all) I embark upon cleaning my home, yard, and yes, myself. Sometimes it’s through diet (I have grown extremely fond of the Perfect Bar) or getting rid of clothes I no longer wear for a fresh new look.
But this year spring has taken on a whole new hue, one of sharp contrasts and textures like the warmth and comfort of a wool sweater that is also scratchy and rough. Looking at life through a Covid-19 lens has brought me to bouts of happiness and in a matter of seconds to utter sadness. Or on the rare occasion, a feeling of itchiness so deep it penetrates my soul. I was thankful and relieved when a friend and colleague posted on Instagram about her uncomfortable emotions. She wanted to share that it was okay to have bad moments and acknowledge that as difficult as feelings get, they are never wrong.
Her words stuck with me, the other day, as I drove to get groceries and rejoiced as the sun made a sudden appearance. I felt its momentary warmth on my face and felt at peace, if not happy. As I turned into the parking lot, I noticed a line outside of Trader Joe’s. People donning masks and gloves waited the proper social distance of 6 feet apart. The happiness I had felt moments ago was replaced with a clenching in my heart. I had to catch my breath as I allowed tears to stream down my face, the same face that was rejoicing in the sun’s warmth moments ago.
Much like spring brings rain showers, Covid-19 brings RAIN showers in all caps. Psychologist and meditation teacher, Tara Brach, uses the acronym RAIN in her book Radical Compassion to draw attention to our inner world and how it communicates with our outer world. “R” stands for recognize that we have challenging emotions, “A” for allow as we digest what is being felt, “I” for investigate where we feel the discomfort in our bodies, and “N” for nurture, whether that is breathing deep breaths or a gentle hand to the heart, it is “calling on the most wise or compassionate part of our being,” says Brach.
Instead of wriggling out of this discomfort, Brach encourages us to feel the pricks and nubbins and nurture rather than push them away. While I’m looking forward to putting away my winter sweaters this spring for softer less scratchy ones, I plan to keep noticing where I’m being challenged—to recognize when I get that familiar rub. Whether it is in allowing for a full range of emotions to tumble out of me or simply noticing the sunshine after the rain (RAIN) has passed, I look forward to these moments of getting to know myself a little better, nubbins and all.
Jill Griffiths
